How To Decipher Woodland Parks Weird Stoplight

Woodland Park has a unique stoplight (or “Traffic Control Device” as the professionals call it) called “HAWK”. This is a somewhat complex device with various signals, meanings, and possibly a sign of the second coming of Christ. Below is an excerpt from the cities website describing the light in better detail:

A HAWK beacon (High-Intensity Activated crossWalbeacon) is a traffic control device used to stop road traffic and allow pedestrians to cross safely. It is officially known as a Pedestrian Hybrid Beacon (PHB). The purpose of a HAWK beacon is to allow protected pedestrian crossings, stopping road traffic only as needed. Where standard traffic signal ’warrants’ prevent the installation of standard three-color traffic signals, the HAWK beacon provides an alternative.

Woodland Park City Website

To clear up confusion, we’ve created a unique guide sheet that deciphers all of the signals in an easy 19-step process. Responsible drivers should probably ignore this (since they know how HAWK, CROW, and BIRD lights work already). However there are plenty of unlicensed drivers such as children and the extremely elderly that might not know, so here’s a simple infographic!

The city is determined to make this work, even at the cost of dozens of pedestrians. However, this isn’t all of the rules. In fact, there are some specific addendums for certain situations and people. We’ve included those below.

You Can Completely Ignore This Light If:

  • You Feel Entitled & Above The Law
  • You Have To Poo Really Bad
  • It’s Sunday And You’re Late For Church
  • You Have More Than 15 Bumper Stickers
  • You Are A Member Of Charis. You’re Better Than Us & You’ve Earned It!
  • You Are Driving A School Bus
  • You’re From Texas. We Don’t Expect You To Know How To Drive Anyways.

Please don’t rely on any form of online news publication for traffic laws or legal advice, satirical or otherwise. C’mon Man! Use common sense.

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