Famous for being a historical mining town in the Rocky Mountains, Cripple Creek, Colorado, is usually the epitome of calm and tranquility. However, this peaceful scenery was shattered last night when a local resident, Ernest Pritchard, 54, tangoed with a bouncer of “Monocles and Moustaches,” the illustrious gentlemen’s club situated on Bennett Avenue. His bone of contention? The alleged discriminatory treatment of Mr. Pritchard’s unconventional plus-one, a donkey named Delilah.
The chaos erupted at approximately 10:30 PM when Mr. Pritchard attempted to attend the gentlemen’s club, accompanied by what could only be considered a quintessentially rustic companion — a fully grown donkey. Gregory Barlow, the steadfast bouncer of ‘M&M’ as the club is colloquially known, stood his ground, refusing the peculiar pair entry into the establishment. Mr. Barlow cited spaniers’ laws of club decorum and public health regulations as the rationale behind his decision.
However, Pritchard, having shared a long history of companionship with Delilah, did not appreciate the tone set against his loyal equine friend. “No donkey, no money,” roared Ernest, invoking what seemed to be a profound saying in the Cripple Creek vernacular, before unleashing a haymaker upon the unsuspecting bouncer, prompting the police’s swift involvement.
Upon arriving at the scene, local police officers, led by Sergeant Kevin Blackmore, were a sight of bemusement, struggling to maintain decorum amidst scuffling patrons, a toppled bouncer, and a rather nonchalant donkey.
After managing to subdue the situation, an also bemused Sergeant Blackmore, speaking to reporters, stated, “In 20 years on the job, I’ve never seen anything remotely like this. Cripple Creek definitely threw me a curveball tonight.”
When approached for comment, Mr. Pritchard, sporting a looming handcuff, responded, “Delilah is better behaved than half the patrons in there. They better make room for donkeys in their VIP section or this won’t be my last dance with M&M.”
The management of ‘M&M’, however, seems to have remained unperturbed by the evening’s turn of events with a spokesperson issuing a tongue-in-cheek statement earlier today: “We work tirelessly to ensure a premiere experience for our distinguished guests. However, until such time the health department includes donkeys as admissible, we will be sticking to a strictly ‘No Donkey’ policy.”
Police have since slapped Pritchard with charges of assault and causing a public nuisance. As for Delilah, she returned home unscathed with a police escort, presumably to indulge in a well-deserved meal of hay and tell her barnyard companions about the most exotic night of her life.
This might be the perfect time to point out that donkeys aren’t the best plus-one at a polite night out. Then again, who are we to judge? In the words of the great Aesop, “Every man for himself, and the Devil take the hindmost.” To our knowledge, this aphorism didn’t include donkeys. That being said, next time you plan a night out, leave your donkey at home.